To kill a Kidney Stone

Back in November I began to have quite a bit of blood in my urine. No infection was found I had to go see a urologist. They did a Ct with dye, and a cystoscopy which was really cool. I saw my beautifully pink, healthy bladder and even saw the left kidney duct open and squirt into the bladder. Way cool!

At first look, the radiologist didn't see anything abnormal, but I have continued to have severe abdominal pains and back pain. The pains go from feeling like menstrual cramps (I do not have my uterus anymore), to feeling like I am in labor, pacing the floor, breathing right, finding my focal spot and last but not least moaning and crying. (I didn't even cry when I gave birth to my children!) So this is really hardcore pain...now that I think of it, my tattoo didn't hurt this bad.

Yesterday I got a call from my urologist saying that he took another really long, close look at my CT and he believes that I have a 5 or 6 mm stone in my Right Kidney. Wonderful! Finally an answer. I ave another CT with dye scheduled for my birthday..Happy Birthday to me!

Being the natural girl that I am, I like to try to find natural remedies, so I went on line and found hundreds of positive posts about using lemon juice to break up the stone. Sounded like a plan. Marty went and bought me a whole lot of lemons. Here is my wonderful 12 hours. IT is a goof thing that Marty was working today..I was a wee bit fussy.

protocol started at 9 am

I can't believe I am doing this

Yucky

 

Morgan? Did I hear you call my name?

I just finished watching a movie that just really was unexpectedly probably one of the best movies I have seen in a very long time. It is a movie like the movies I grew up watching, with an actual meaning and a lesson to be learned from the watching of it.

It is a movie with Morgan Freeman in it, which is what attracted me to it on this quiet afternoon of my 'pajama day.' I settled down with Inky (our fraidy cat since the new dogs scared her two weeks ago) in my lap, and a cup of tea, we cuddled up and to my astonishment the main female character was named "Charlotte,"

I have to say here that Marty and I just watched a show last night where the woman's name was Charlotte. I grew up never hearing anyone named Charlotte except the woman in Hitchcock's movie, "Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte."  Not exactly a role model for my name! And of course the awesome Spider in Charlotte's Web. Now that is more like it! A strong woman who can write! I like that.

Anyway, in this past year I have seen a significant number of movies and TV shows where one of the characters is named, "Charlotte." Which is pretty cool for me!

A little known fact which Marty and Sarah know is that I have always thought that Morgan Freeman would make an excellent grandfather. I did not grow up with a really close grandfather on either paternal or maternal side, although I did have Grandpa John, my step Grandfather who married my Dad's Mom. So I missed having a Grandpa to spoil me, or give me advice. All the things I really wanted in a Grandfather.

When ever I see Morgan Freeman in a movie, I just pretend for those short hours that he is my Grandpa, even though in reality he is more suited age wise to be my father. He is 75 years old, making him 18 when I was born.

The name of the movie I watched today is "The Magic of Belle Isle".

Release Date: July 6, 2012 (limited)
Studio: Magnolia Pictures
Director: Rob Reiner
Screenwriter: Guy Thomas
Starring: Morgan Freeman, Virginia Madsen, Madeline Carroll, Kenan Thompson, Fred Willard

 Plot Summary: Reuniting with his director from the hit film, "The Bucket List," Morgan Freeman plays Monte Wildhorn, a famous Western novelist whose struggle with alcoholism has sapped his passion for writing. He takes a lakeside cabin for the summer in picturesque Belle Isle, and befriends the family next door—an attractive single mom Charlotte (Virginia Madsen) and her young daughters—who help him find inspiration again


It was a lovely movie, with me playing opposite Morgan Freeman, Okay, a girl can wish can't she?
For 2 hours I heard Morgan Freeman say my name and was just pleased as can be.

Isn't it funny how the little things in life can be some of the best things life brings to us? Actually it is the little things that makes life worth living!

I hope everyone has enjoyed an afternoon as blessed as mine.
 

The Rest of the Story-Bella

Mama's New Girl: La Bella Noche Matzke

 

Charlotte just loves Jake

 Friday dawned with Charlotte energized from her restful night. She did really great in her kennel, but once she was up for the morning, she had Jake worn out by 8 o'clock.He came into the office and tried to hide in the corner. I text-ed Sarah to let her know that she didn't need to come up to meet Charlotte, because I would be taking her back to her old home. Sarah responded that she didn't want me to take her back yet. She said, "What if Charlotte is my dog?"

 A few minutes later she text-ed me that she had been looking at Craigslist for dogs, and she had found a black German shepherd named Buffy. There was another German shepherd also, but when she tried to find it again, each time she clicked on the link..every one of them came up to Buffy's page. Sarah said she would email them about her. Not too long after a woman responded, and Sarah called her and they set up a time for Sarah to come see Buffy. 

 Here is the ad on Craigslist:
This is Buffy! She is a 3yr old black German Shepherd female. She is spayed and up to date on her shots - she was rescued off of the Euthanasia list at the county shelter. Buffy is looking for the perfect home! which may take awhile as she is a very special lady.
She is looking for:
Someone with prior Shepherd experience.
Someone that will go slow with her - she is shy and a little fearful
Someone with a fenced in yard! - she would not be a good apartment dog.
Someone without children younger than the age of eight.

She is a very good girl but needs people willing to go slow and let her come to them - she loves attention but was probably abused in the past and is scared of people at first.

Buffy walks very well on a leash and she rides well in the car. She is crate trained and good with cats and most other dogs (She likes dogs smaller than her best!) She takes treats very gently! Buffy is a kid focused dog who has bounded very well with my 8yr old daughter. I believe once she has time to bond with a family of her own that she will turn out to be quite protective of them!
She has been evaluated by a professional German Shepherd handler who was very impressed with her.

When Sarah arrived, she saw a beautiful black German Shepherd, who had a very sad story. She was frightened of every little sound. She was afraid of men especially. She got along with other dogs and cats, but was extremely shy and startled very easily. No one wanted to adopt such a scared dog. so "Dog Love Rescue" came to the pound and saved Buffy from being killed. She was on the euthanasia list for the next morning, so she really and truly is a miracle rescue story. Marianne, the Adoption Representative, told Sarah that no one had ever been able to get Buffy to come to them so quickly. Sarah called me and said she had paid the adoption fee and was on the way up to Prescott Valley.

Jake and Bella playing

She said "Mom, Buffy was named after Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so she will be your psychic vampire hunter, and I will have Charlotte to always protect me." Of course that caused some tears from us both. They arrived and we allowed the dogs to greet each other slowly, and soon all three were playing together. Charlotte and Buffy are submissive females, and Jake is now the Alpha 2 male (Marty is the main Alpha male). He puffed himself up and made himself taller than Buffy and the pack was formed. 

Everything was going very well, we got home from picking up Charlotte's kennel from her former owners. We let the dogs out and when they came in I put Buffy's leash around the top of our rocking chair just to hod her until we got our Chinese food ready. All of a sudden something spooked Buffy, so she started running, dragging the rocker with her, straight towards the back door. she she did, we heard a huge HISS and that angry meow that comes from cats when they are very unhappy. I was trying to get to Buffy, and looked down and there was Inky, our BIG cat, stuck half way out of the couch. Right then, Charlotte runs over, and Inky swipes at her, makes more screeching sounds and I reached down to help Inky out. She bit me. Sarah put Charlotte out on the back porch as I was lifting the couch up so Inky could get out. When I lifted it, Inky went with it. Somehow she had become stuck in between to bars, as this section of the couch is a recliner. More screeching from Inky, more hissing and the Sarah tried to help her out, only to get bitten also. At this point, Charlotte is outside looking in and barking, Inky is hissing and lashing out, and Jake then steps in and starts to go for Inky because she had bit us. Sarah had to get Jake and put him in the dining room. She comes back and holds the couch while I look to see what Inky is stuck on. I see that her tail and one back leg have gotten between the bars, so I pulled to recliner release and pulled the foot-piece out. Finally Inky was free and she took of like lightening! She did have some bleeding, but we could not entice her to come out from under our bed. Inky will get a bath today sometime after the Viking game.

 

We got Charlotte kenneled for the night, we started thinking of better names for Buffy. That name just didn't fit her personality...she would run from any vampire! We looked up a lot of names but the one that first came to me even before looking on the internet, was Bella. Sarah thought that I meant Bella, as in the Twilight movies, but that wasn't it. The name came to me because Bella means beautiful, and I started saying Bella Noche, which means beautiful night, so that is her new name. 

We checked on Inky, and she was under the covers of our bed, and still was bleeding from somewhere, but she wouldn't let us look. I finally was able to pick her up, and could not find any place that was cut. I put her in the Reiki room and shut the door. Did some work on her for healing and left her in there. About an hour later I heard her meowing, and knew she was finished with her Reiki session! She ran into our room and hid again. The next morning after I made the bed up she was trying to get under the covers, so I put another blanket on top and she was fine hiding on the bed.

Sarah ready to take Charlotte home

Sarah decided to take Charlotte home yesterday to allow her time to get adjusted to the apartment before Sarah had to work today. We got everything she needed for Charlotte and they set off for Phoenix. Charlotte in the front seat head out the window, in total ecstasy. Since Charlotte is a mini-lab her size is perfect for Sarah. She has lots of energy, but now Sarah has a dog who can run with her each morning. It is so cute that she cocks her head just like Ebony used to do when we talked to her. Sarah is very happy to finally have a dog of her own. I am glad that when she does come up that they will all get along.

An interesting tidbit about Charlotte. She lived on Leprechaun Drive, and was born on St. Patrick's Day. She is an Irish dog, and fits right into our family!

 All was quiet and peaceful in the house once again. I brushed Bella and got a lot of her summer coat off and decided to give her a bath, which went very well. She ran around as most dogs do after a bath, and then settled down next to Jake to go to sleep. I went to shower myself and when I returned to the den, Bella was sleeping on the couch, with her head on the pillow, just like Ebony used to do. Jake was on the floor by her, and I settled in my couch position and we all fell asleep after the energy filled day we had.

 
 This morning when Marty was coming home I called him to let him know that he would probably need to approach Bella slowly, as we were told she didn't like men. Well....he came in, and of course Bella went straight to him and wanted attention just like Jake. Anytime she would walk away, she turned right back around and sat closer for more hugs and attention. Instant bond once again. Hallelujah. Finally after the past weeks of trying to find a dog that fit perfectly in our home....Bella is a perfect fit. She needs to grow into her head and feet. She only weighs 60 pounds, and is very thin, much like Jake was when he wandered into our yard so many years ago. We will have her fattened up in no time! I think she's a keeper!!!!

No fear of men here !!!!

Bella is a cuddler!!!!

Here's Charlotte

Here is Charlotte

Well, today during the book study I said that I didn’t know why Ebony needed to leave us, and that maybe it was that the lab we were going to see needed us. One of Marty's co-workers who is really into rescue dogs, told him that there was another dog waiting for our loving home....

We arrived at their home in Cherry, and were introduced to the smallest black lab we have ever seen, she only weighs 50 pounds, but is smaller than Ebony (probably cause Ebony’s hair was so fluffy!). Anyway, the she ran to greet us, and I asked them, what her name was?

 “Charlotte”.

 “What?” I said.

“You know, Charlotte, like Charlotte’s Web.”

We just about fainted right there. A dog with my name…who would have ever thought that would happen? I laughed later and told Marty, well, I won’t ever have a grandchild named after me, so I might as well have a dog with my name. I am honored!

She and Jake hit it off very well, she is a very submissive dog and no aggression whatsoever, with lots of energy, like Ebony, and even has the same color of eyes that our Ebony had. Jake responded to this new female by acting his male part in humping her (a behavior we have only seen him do with male dogs to show them he was superior). After they had played and played, and were licking each others faces…it was obvious that Jake was a happy boy again. A tired one, but happy.

The drive home was quiet. We have never experienced this if we had Ebony and Jake in the vehicle together, there was continual whining, which drove us crazy. Both dogs were good as gold, they laid down and there was a peace filled truck with NO whining! YEAH!!!!

We are going to have a temporary trial of Charlotte for a few days to see if she has too much energy for Jake, but so far it is good. She needs training still, since she is a puppy, for walking, we will need to get her a harness for walks, but she is just so beautiful. Her coat shines and she doesn’t shed like a lot of labs do.

So, I believe that God most assuredly had His hand in this one!

A rare moment of stillness

Ebony Matzke 1/31/2004 to 10/16/2012

Our Baby Ebony

We will miss her cocking her head when we talked to her

Here is the breakdown on Ebony. We took her to see Dr.Tebbe last Wednesday, they did blood-work and an x-ray which showed something in her belly, plus blood. When diagnosing a pet they always start with the simplest diagnosis to treat (since to find the actual diagnosis would have required and MRI and Ultrasound...Which we could not afford.) So she got fluids and was being hand fed. He put an IV in and we monitored the drip over night at home.

My request of Ebony was that she please not die before Sarah's testing, and she didn't. She rallied while Sarah was here, still having to be hand fed, but she was drinking water, having bowel movements and sticking to Sarah like glue. She loved Sarah so much, they really had a very special bond. Then as soon as Sarah left here Sunday, Ebony jumped up on the couch and slept the rest of the day. Only getting p to go outside and drink water, then back on the couch she went. She wouldn't eat from the spoon as she had so I had to put the food in her cheek. She only ate a little bit.

Love you Baby Girl

Yesterday morning she was very listless and I fed her like one would a baby, and felt like some of my hospice patients families who try all they can to get food into their loved one. I held her all morning, and she had an episode which was like a seizure of some sorts. She held her head back, body stiffened and she made a howling sound. It was just like when Foxy died, so I thought she was leaving then, but she didn't. 

Inky is saying good-bye

I called and could get into see the Vet at 4pm yesterday afternoon.  I had to carry her everywhere by this point, and she was extremely dehydrated again. Inky spent about an hour laying beside Ebony and licking her...she only knows Ebony as "Mommy".

 Dr. Fernandez was there and he looked again at her x-rays and blood work. He felt her belly, which seemed to be growing day by day. He said that he believed that she had cancer of some form, maybe liver, since she was so anemic and he asked how her eating habits were for the past months. I explained how for about the past 6 months to a year she has been an extra finicky eater, we had to play all kinds of games to get her to eat, then she would refuse to eat altogether for a few days. Then she would be fine and eat OK. He explained that animals who have cancer act that way. They eat when they are having a good day, don't when they aren't....he even said "Just like people on hospice have good days and bad days, this is what you have been seeing with Ebony." 

An evening spent loving Ebony

So She got more fluids and a shot for pain. I brought her home and Marty got off work to come home. We gave her pain meds and she was very lethargic. She would take some water with a dropper, and during the night she actually drank water from a small bowl we had at bedside. We spent all our time with her, waking in the night to let her drink, and Marty took her outside to pee.

Last sleeping time with our beautiful Ebony

We made an appointment for 10:30 for her to be euthanized. The hard part was that because of the fluids she had rallied and was acting like her old self, except that she would not eat, even er favorite cheese or yogurt. She gave us kisses and was very present with us. It was such a very hard decision to make, but we took her to her appointment, and Dr. Tebbe was there, with his wonderful wife and Vet tech. He explained to us the whole procedure of how they start with the simplest thing they can think to treat, and if that doesn't work, then they go to step two,  then step three, and so on. He said that she had indeed rallied with the liquids on board, but it was temporary. He went back to look again at the x-rays and did a physical exam of her abdomen and rib cage. I even had noticed that her girth in her rib cage area had been growing in the past days, which meant that the tumor was growing. He suspected that it was more than likely pancreatic cancer, which can present with all the symptoms she had. Her belly was very hard and even the area behind her skull was depressed and showed classic signs of being even more dehydrated.

After talking with them, we made the decision to euthanize her, so she would not be in any more pain, and even though we were wondering why she rallied on the day we were to say good-bye, I truly believe it as her way of telling us good-bye. She gave us one last glimpse of the absolutely beautiful dog she was, she gave us good bye kisses and as we both held her she took her last breath.

We are grateful for High Country Pet Clinic, their staff  are so caring and supportive. Thank you To all of you who walked this journey with us. http://highcountrypetclinic.com/

We are filled with a great sadness, as anyone is when they loose a loved one "too quickly". But I am thankful that she left here allowing us to have in our mind's eye the image of her alive, barking at the doorbell, looking for birds....instead of our last thought of her as being lifeless and sick.

She gave me kisses just this morning

"None to nose, Ebony do you know how much your Momma loves you? Forever and always...kisses and hugs. I have told this to her since she was just a little puppy, and every time she would lick my nose."

  

 Miss Ebony Debebony, we will always miss you






 Here are some photos of when we first adopted her on March 20, 2004

My baby girl

She always loved being carried by her Daddy!

Charlie and Rev. Charli

Charles Carpenter Sophomore at Reagan High School 1969

Last week I found out that my very best-est of friends when I was a little girl died. I don't know how he died, or even when he died, but he is gone. The only photos I could find of Charles were from Reagan High School yearbooks, and in my 7th grade Pearce Jr High yearbook.  Yet in my fondest memories I can see him with a huge smile on his face as we played together from pre-school years through grade school..His name is Charles Carpenter. He lived on Pollyanna, just a skip through the field from my house to his back yard. When we both got new bikes we started a tradition of starting at his driveway, because it was sloped, and racing as fast as we could into my driveway. Many of our neighborhood friends got in on the race, which happened at least once a week.

Charles went by the name of "Charlie", and I went by "Charlotte." Charlie began to call me Charli one day, and I said we could not have two Charlie's in the neighborhood, so I would call him Charles. From that time on Charlie was "Charles" (only to me) and I was 'Charli'. He was the only person I have ever let call me "Charli". 

He was the only boy who would play house with me. He was the only real person who I ever preached for. When I was really young I wanted to be a Preacher (growing up Church of Christ we called our Minister "the Preacher", and that is what I wanted to be. When my Mother informed me that I could not be a preacher because I was a girl I changed careers to 'Being a Mom.' That fact didn't stop me though from preaching to my dolls and stuffed animals, usually on Sunday afternoons. I would teach lessons for Sunday School, and then preach from whatever the sermon was on that day. Some days, especially during the summer when we had VBS, I would come home and Charles would come over and I would teach him lessons from VBS. 

He told me that someday girls would be able to preach, and I would make a fine preacher. I loved him even more for thinking that a mere girl could grow up and preach.He also would refer to me on those 'Preaching Days" as Reverend Charli. I have no idea where he heard the word Reverend before, but we would just laugh until our stomachs hurt thinking about me being called Rev. Charli.

I had forgotten all about those days until I heard that Charles was dead. 

Our Play World

Then the stream of memories began to flow and I remembered making mud pies, playing in my sandbox, building a fort in the grove of cedar trees in the vacant lot next to my house and in back of his. He taught me that the little red berries that grew wild in the "Kingdom of Lot" (I know it's pretty corny, but that's what we called it) we edible, and many a day we would add those berries to our sack lunches that my Mom made for us while we were exploring down at Walnut Creek. 

I have such very fond memories of Charles. He was the older brother I never had. One time he found out that another neighborhood boy, the "bully' of our neighborhood, was picking on me. Charles had a long talk with him and that boy never once more bothered me. He also kept a kind watch over me at Pearce Jr. High my 7th grade year (1966-67). I loved watching him play football, he was so very good at it.

The years went on and Charles, being one grade ahead of me he went to Pearce Junior High in 1965 and I followed to Pearce in 1966. He went on to Reagan High school and I found him in the yearbooks for his Freshman year 1968, when he was with the Football B-Team. And also in the 1969 Yearbook, but nothing in 1970 or 1971. 

I don't know if he dropped out of school or what, because Lanier High was built and those of us who did not have older siblings in Reagan had to go to Lanier...so I lost an every day contact with him after that. On occasion we ran into each other, and we would catch up on what was happening in our lives, but once I moved from home, I lost touch with him altogether.

So last week. when I found out that my 'Charles' was gone, and I remembered that he thought that someday I would make a good Rev. Charli. I thought about how when I was first ordained Marty and Sarah called me 'The Reverend Mother', and some even started to call me Rev. Charlotte, yet it just didn't sound right. I could not be called Rev. Charli because in my world Charles was the only one who could call me Charli. Now that he is in heaven I received the nicest of 'pushes' into claiming the name he gave me so many years ago. Rev. Charli has been born. I hope that I live up to his high expectations of me.

Charles Carpenter.....My Charlie......thank you for so many fantastic hours of fun, of joy, of preaching, of teaching...that you shared with me. 

July 14, 1975 My Oldest Daughter is Born

Thirty seven years ago today, I was a pregnant 20 year old with a 3 year old son. When I look at that statement now, it seems so surreal that I was just a girl, although at the time I thought of myself as a woman....I really was so young, so naive, living in a world of fear and extremely low self esteem.

My husband and I were living on Grover Street in Austin. He was in the police academy for Austin PD, and wasn't sure he really wanted another child, as his own childhood had not be idyllic. But in October of 1974 we had a long talk and I explained to him my concerns about Shan growing up an only child, and I didn't want that...since I had been an only child I wanted Shan to have siblings. It is funny now when I think back to that conversation which occurred in our driveway on a beautiful fall evening. He gave me a month to get pregnant, or we would not have another child. I was on a mission from that moment on...to get pregnant.

Since this was the age where we women learned so much about our bodies, how we worked from the inside out...I went to the library for help. And to my 'natural hippie friends' to find out ways of becoming pregnant. (I laugh now, because I should have known that as fertile as I was I would have no trouble getting pregnant really quickly...I had become pregnant with my oldest when I was on the birth control pill) Anyway, with books and my friends advice, I set out on a month of 'I am going to get pregnant!  And I did, whether all the helpful advice really did contribute (such as doing the yoga position headstands immediately after sex) I will never know..all I know is that I got pregnant, and was ecstatically happy.

We gave our parents cards at Christmas announcing that we were expecting, and everyone, including my husband was happy. I loved being pregnant. I didn't have any morning sickness, I felt great and I just really enjoyed being 'with child'. I got books from the library about the developing fetus, and Shan and I would look at them, and he would ask questions and I would find the answers. Again, you need to realize that this was just really the dawning of women actually having access to information about our bodies and the first photos of embryos and fetuses had come out in Life magazine, and then other books were written. It was the age of discovering just who we were as women.

I remember my Mom came over to the house one day, and Shan ran to get the book with the pictures of fetuses, and he said, "Granny, look, this is what the baby looks like inside Mommy's tummy." I thought my Mom was going to faint right there and then. She asked me why in the world was I exposing Shan to such things that were personal and private. She was from a totally different generation where women did not talk about such things, much less show them to their children. 

Anyway, the months went by, and I did the same as I had when I was pregnant with Shan. I sang songs and talked to 'her' all the time. I played music and put the earphones on my belly so she could hear the music. I knew from the first moment that she was a girl, Don't know how, but I just knew. My husband and I picked out names, and only girl names. They had to have the initials KMB, because that was a tradition that my husband wanted carried down. He had the same initials as his own Dad and his grandfather. So we chose Kimberly Michelle Bates. 

I refinished my old crib from when I was a baby, I made curtains, and a bedspread, and we got some really beautiful shag carpeting for the baby's room. Everything matched and was very 'in style' for 1975. She had a Winnie the Pooh theme and I painted quite a few characters from the stories on wood (which was 'in' ). I made a bassinet skirt to match the curtains and all was ready for her entrance into the world.

this was a good car-seat back then! OMG

When I was eight months pregnant, my best friend Mary Jensen (now Hey) held a baby shower for me at her home in South Austin. It was so much fun. I have such fond memories of those days, we were back to nature girls...everything had to be homemade, from bread to baby food!

Mary's friend had made the cake, and it was from seeing it that my desire to become a cake decorator was born.

My husband was in the Police Academy and was going to go somewhere for some firearms/scenarios training out of town. I was more and more afraid as the days grew close to the week he would be gone. It was only 2 weeks before the baby was due, and I was really scared that he would be gone when I went into labor, if I went into labor. My firstborn was born 2 weeks early and my water had broken but I did not go into labor, so they had to give me pitocin to start the contractions. 

When I awoke the morning of July 14  fixed Shan's breakfast and was just not feeling very well. I had been having braxton hicks contractions, although they were not called that back then...just named false labor. I was dilated 2 cm and no one even used the word effaced back then. My doctor said that the baby could come any time now, which added to my fear. When I went to the bathroom I checked myself. Now, this was a new concept to pregnant women in the mid 70's. I was part of the La Leche League, and all of us from our birthing classes had been shown how we could check ourselves to see if we had dilated more. So, it had become a natural response for me to check myself every day. This morning was no different, but this time I felt that there as about a 3 finger width that my cervix was at, and a bulge was coming through. I decided I was going to call the doctor and ask for an appointment. As I started to walk out of the bathroom my water broke. I cannot tell you how I felt at that moment. Frightened because I thought I had caused my water to break by my exam.

I carried that guilt with me until many, many years later when I was doing an OB clinical for my Paramedicine degree. There was a female OB doctor who had to break a woman's bag of water and she allowed me to watch the procedure. I was really stunned at the force and the instrument she used to break it.

Twenty-two years of guilt vanished that night. After talking with the doctor after the procedure, I explained what had happened with me and asked her if I had caused the break in the bag. She assured me that I had not, and that with the way I had described the bulge, it was just ready to break on it's own.

Back, to the 14th of July, 1975 .... My husband was at work, so I called the PD and explained that I was going to the hospital. MY friend Mary drove me to Seton Hospital off of 38th street in Austin. It was the newest and best hospital in Austin at the time. My doctor was just next door at the medical offices, so he was able to come over quite often to see how I was doing. I got all checked in, Mary took Shan home with her, and Ken arrived. I did not start to have contractions, just as in my first birth. So, they started the pitocin and labor began. 

I remember that there was a nurse who was the nurse from hell. She came in and did all the prep work...shaving of the pubic area, gave me an enema, all those wonderful things that were done to us back then. As she was establishing the IV line, she said to me very matter of factly, "This baby is a boy, from the way you are carrying it...it just has to be a boy." and I thought to myself..this woman is really strange. A little later she said, "This baby is not 2 weeks early, it is much too small to be only 2 weeks early. Do you know what can go wrong when a baby is born this early?" I had no idea what she was talking about, and as soon as my doctor got there he ordered a new nurse to be with me. He still stated that the baby was only 2 weeks early, and yes, that it was small,. but some babies are just smaller, and I wasn't to worry about it. We both knew my doctor really well, because my husbands mother worked in his office. We had ultimate faith in his calculations and just put aside the nurses scary comments.

Labor commenced and my husband was very supportive, but he had decided early on that he did not want to be in the delivery room. That was no place for men, he said....until 10:00 pm came around and I was fully mediated and the baby's head was coming through....He decided then that he would go into the delivery room., He had to go wash and gown up, as they wheeled me into the delivery room and got me settled into the stirrups. I thought for sure that my sweet 'girl' baby was going to make her appearance before my husband got there, so I tried as much as I could to not push, to hold her in until he got there. As soon as he arrived and I saw his masked face, I just pushed. In 3 pushes she was out. Kimberly Michelle was born at 10:14 pm, 5 pounds 11 ounces.

She was so beautiful and we both just were amazed and filled with awe and wonder at this beautiful baby GIRL we had created. We both got to hold her and then they took her to the nursery to clean her up. Ken went home and I went to my new 'after birth' room. I had a room mate, and every few hours the nurse would bring her baby to her, for feeding time. But they didn't bring Kimberly to me. I would ask why she wasn't coming, and the nurse just said she was doing fine and that my doctor would come in the morning and that I could see her then. I was totally confused, so I called Ken, and I called my doctor's service, so about 4 in the morning the pediatrician came into the room and explained to me that Kimberly was in an incubator, that she was having a little trouble breathing so they were giving her oxygen. 

When Ken arrived around 8 in the morning, the doctor came back in and explained to us that our baby had hyaline membrane disease. We had no idea what it was. He just said that her lungs were not developed enough, but she was doing great. We got to go to the nursery, scrub up and go in and hold her. It was such a joy to finally get to hold her. I was able to stay in the hospital for 7 days (insurance wasn't so strict back then), and then she was in the hospital for another week, because she developed jaundice. But at the end of that week she came home.

 I remember that for the first couple of months I put her in her bassinet at night and had it right next to the bed. Every little whimper, or if I didn't hear her move, I would lean over to make sure she was all right. I held myself responsible for her early birth, and carried a huge amount of guilt for those 22 years, thinking that she could have died and it would have been my fault. Thank goodness that time have changed where the information internet highway has brought with it the ability to check things out and we can learn the truths of situations instead of living in hidden fear .

I kept very good records of how much she ate, her growth, her weight. I wanted everything for her to be just perfect, and by the time she was about 3 months old, you couldn't even tell she had been born early. She had such rolls on her, she was a chubby kissable baby girl. She was so tiny that she couldn't nurse properly, so I pumped my breasts and with the help of the La Leche League, I was able to nurse her as she got older.

And so began Kimberly's life.....and with it a continuation of my deepest hearts desire...to be a MOM. I loved being a Mom. When everyone else was busy with establishing their careers, I was just so happy being at home with my children, going on play dates, taking them to parks, museums, swimming lessons, etc.

I watch her today.....37 years later, the mother of 4 beautiful children of her own, and I marvel that I was given the gift of having her as a daughter. The life lessons she has taught me along the way (some pretty rocky years) are so valuable, and I am so very proud of her. Thank you God, for the gift of my precious daughter Kimberly.

Kimberly and Logan, born January 12, 2012

An Open letter to Harry

Dearest Harry,

You probably wouldn't have remembered me if you had of made it to the 40 year reunion of our high school graduation, but I  had hoped to see you there and thank you for something you did for me in the Spring of 1971. I even had the good intentions of asking some people if they knew what you had been doing in these past 40 years, yet time slipped by with everyone greeting each other and the flood of memories filled the evening, not leaving room in my mind for seeking you out. Then the reunion was over and I was back home, here in Arizona.

Today I received an email from Diane Beall  that you passed from this life to your eternal one last night.

I have spent today thinking about you and the things I remember about a young teenage guy with a beautiful smile and a heart filled with compassion as he walked the halls of Viking Country.

The reason I remember you so vividly is that one fine spring day you came to the office to see Mr. Shiflet (the Dean of Boys). I was Mr. Shiflet's aide for that hour and asked you to wait for him to get out of Mrs. Brougher's office (the Dean of Girls). It was not very long before we both heard the very loud voices of both Deans and my name was mentioned. The heated discussion, which we could hear very easily was about Mrs. Brougher wanting to kick me out of school right then and there, as she had found out that I was pregnant. She was not nice in her choice of words as she described me and what she thought I deserved for getting pregnant.Mr. Shiflet was telling her in no uncertain terms that she was to keep her words and thoughts to herself, that I was not showing yet, and he was standing in my corner, allowing me to finish out my junior year.

I had never heard Mr. Shiflet raise his voice before, and I must have had a frightened look on my face because you said to me, "Don't let her get to you, ever. That's what she wants, for you to feel ashamed and leave school like a whipped puppy. Seems like you have someone pretty important in your corner, so girl, hold your head up high and don't let anyone tell you that are less than good enough." I think I was pretty much speechless, because I do not remember saying anything back to you. I just remember that Mr. Shiflet opened the door, saw you sitting there and said, "Hi Harry, come on in." The both of you went into his office then and as I hurried to get myself out of Mrs. Brougher's line of sight, she did see me and gave me one of her really scary scowls.

As the weeks went on, every time you and I would pass in the hallways, I would smile at you, and  you back at me, as if we had an unspoken form of communication which gave me so much peace. Those moments in time when our eyes would meet, it was as if you gave me some of your own strength to make it through the day. When I think of those moments now, it was as if God had placed you there at the perfect moment in time, so that you could be my 'angel' of peace in a world where unplanned pregnancies were not acceptable, and being pregnant was anything but peaceful. You showed me that God loved me no matter what.

So, from my heart to yours Harry...thank you for being that compassionate young man 41 years ago. Thank you for encouraging me to hold my head high, to not feel shame, and to know that everything would work out all right.

I believe with all my heart that in the last 41 years you continued to be an angel to many people who needed encouraging words or a smile or a hug to help them on their journey through life. Now, you are standing on the other side of the veil...basking in the glory of Heaven.

 Peace eternal Harry, you will be missed here.

Harry, Diane and Rosie at the 30 year reunion 2002