tRump triggers my PTSD. His red face, his finger always waving in the air, his whole persona causes my anxiety to jump up and I am on high alert. Why? Because in my gut I knew that he was a perp. After 42 years of living with verbal abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse and sexual abuse I believe I have developed my inner most being capable to detect an abuser at first meeting. This is how I felt and still feel about him today. Low and behold, the truth came out in this last week. I believe the women. He is an abuser of women, he downgrades women's worth to just how they look and how much they let him grope them. It is sick.
I have just spent about an hour total looking for a photo that the police took on a day that is still clouded in my mind. I was married to my 2nd husband and living in Minnesota. I had gotten a job at Shopko and had risen up to Customer service. On a Sunday morning I was getting ready for work and all I remember was Greg being angry, spewing his hatred for me, for my mothering skills, for being a horrid wife, for my lack of faith, for my working on Sunday, etc., etc. etc. I remember looking down the stairs and Joe was watching. I stood in the doorway until I heard them driving away to go to church.
I remember that I was afraid for my life, so I took both guns that we had in the house. One was my dad's really old 'six-shooter' and the other was a 45 caliber automatic. I arrived at work and walked in to my cashier spot, as I had picked up a shift for one of the girls who had called in sick. My manager came up to me and asked me what had happened. I didn't know what she meant. She told me I had a black eye. Since I didn't know that I excused myself to go to the bathroom and sure enough I had a huge black eye. I went back out and continued to check people out. My standard answer for what had happened was that I was practicing softball with the kids and a ball had hit my eye. Not a good lie, but I thought it sounded good.
Time went by and the area around my eye grew in size and in darkness. I tried and tried to remember that had happened...but to no avail.
About 2 p.m. I was bagging something up for a customer and I looked up. There came a sheriff's deputy and the crew from Gold Cross Ambulance, Greg was behind them. I totally freaked out. My coworkers told me that I began to scream, "Get me away from him. Don't let him come any closer." Greg left to get in his vehicle, and the deputies helped me into the ambulance which took me to St. Mary's ER. They talked to me for a long time about pressing charges, but Greg had told them that I had done this to myself. That I had hurt myself before we had met, 20 years before. I wouldn't talk with Greg in the room. I was so confused and the more they talked, the louder the voices in my head screamed. The report came back that my left orbital bone was broken. The sheriff's deputies begged me to press charges, but I wouldn't. I was too scared.
I had brought the guns to work, they were not loaded. I wanted them out of the house because I was afraid that Greg would use one on me as he had threatened to do. So, I was 'let go.' The next day I went in to talk to my manager, the store manager and the district manger. I pleaded to get my job back. I asked them how was I to make a plan to leave him if they fired me? I explained about Domestic Violence and that I did had a plan, but I needed work. So they reinstated me. That was a huge God moment.
Time went by and I was able to get away from him and met Marty and the rest is history.. Marty taught me how marriage is supposed to be. He gave me permission to allow 'Charlotte' to arise from the ashes, much like a phoenix does. He loves me unconditionally.
Back to tRump. I believe that my gut instinct was right about him. He regards women as his play things. He wants them to 'be pretty and beautiful.' These are the only women worth his time.
He is an abuser of women.
Plain and Simple.
I see it in his eyes, in his angry face and the words that come out of his mouth.
I stand for Women's Rights on all levels. Always will. I am not afraid to tell stories from my life.
Many of you will ask me why I am smiling in the photo. I had forgotten that I even had a black eye. It had been two weeks after Greg had hit me. Jenny made me laugh and snapped the photo. She said afterward that I needed something to put up in a secret place to I could remember what happened that day.
When I look at the photo now, I see strength and a woman who was making a plan to leave, but it would take 3 more years before that happened. I see the importance of humor to balance out the injustices of life. I see the Pollyanna in the smile and in the heart. Black eye or not, I brought peace and joy to people. That he could not take from me. I see a woman who despite the abuse she was living with, she was full of Spirit and the determination that she would get herself and the younger two children out of the situation.
Dr. Cleveland, my Psychiatrist, and the ER doc said that I could not have broken my orbital bone by myself. I just can't remember, even after all these years, it's covered with a cloudy fog. That is part of the abuse cycle and being told you are nothing and God made women to be silent and not heard. I rose from the ashes as a very strong woman who refuses to let anyone take her power ever again. That is why my two sons have divorced me. I won't allow them to abuse me and accuse me of things I had no power over. I have made amends, I have apologized for keeping them so long with Greg, and not leaving sooner. I have apologized to all four of my children for the things that I did that hurt them. I have forgiven myself, that is the biggest part. I wish I knew what I know now....hindsight is always brighter. I have made my amends. If they cannot forgive me, it is their loss, not mine.
I hope and pray that tRump won't be elected. I definitely won't be watching the news anymore. Seeing him brings up the PTSD. I am sure it does for other women also.
May all women who leave their abusers know that you are worthy, you can do it, you can make it through hell intact and with skills you never knew you had.
Since this is Charlotte's Peace, I am telling a happening that was anything but peaceful. Yet, I kept my peace intact. I will never loose my inner peace. Ever!
