I'd known that my knees were both bone on bone for many months, and my surgeon's PA, Brian, told me that I would know 'when' it was time to have the knee replacement. I sure did! One night in August my knee 'popped' as I turned over in the night. Excruciating, sweat inducing pain was all that I endured for the rest of the night. I called to make an appointment with Brian. I was put on hold and for some really weird reason the song that I heard was by Evanescence called "Bring Me To Life."
Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
You can´t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life.
I almost hung up, because I do believe that synchronicities, intuition and signs guide my life. I kept on the line and made the appointment on September 18th with Brian to discuss surgery. The night of September 11th I was just playing around doing different searches on YouTube. I typed in Charlotte and it brought up an anime character in a music video for a song called, "Bring Me Back to Life." I listened very intently as this was now the 2nd song that had been presented to me. The words to the song:
I'm breathing in, and breaking down
I feel my time is running out
The fire in my heart will burn me to the ground
I did my part, I tried my best
The things I'm fighting to protect
Always shatter into pieces in the end, oh
I'm broken and I'm barely breathing
I'm falling 'cause my heart stopped beating
If this is how it all goes down tonight
If this is how you bring me back to life
Whoa, whoa
This is what it's like when we collide
Whoa, whoa
If this is how you bring me back to life
I'm pumpin' blood, I'm runnin' dry
My heart's been beating overtime
To help this broken body live another night
Battle cry, is the damage done?
Who has lost and who has won?
Who will be there when my life's support is gone? Oh
Barely breathing
Lost all feeling
I'm barely breathing
Still holding on
I'm broken and I'm barely breathing
I'm falling 'cause my heart stopped beating
If this is how it all goes down tonight
If this is how you bring me back to life
I'm broken and I'm barely breathing (whoa, whoa)
I'm falling 'cause my heart stopped beating
If this is how it all goes down tonight (whoa, whoa)
If this is how you bring me back to life
I'm broken and I'm barely breathing (whoa, whoa)
I'm falling 'cause my heart stopped beating
This is what it's like when we collide (whoa, whoa)
This is how you bring me back to life
Well, at that point I was really wondering what these two songs meant for me. Did they mean that I was actually going to 'die' during surgery only to come back to life? I mentioned it to Marty, because he is my grounding if I should go too high into the Spiritual Realm. He just thought it was all coincidence and assured me that I would be fine. I felt that I had given him warning in case that something happened and I had this immense bubble around me of divine protection, so I just kept my eye on the prize....being able to walk again without pain!
I went for the September 18th visit with Brian and he confirmed that with the kneecap popping in place that it was time to schedule surgery. By this time I was popping in and out at least once a day. There were a lot of things to get done in a very short period of time. I was leaving on the 27th to go to Longview, Texas to visit my Uncle Bobby and Cousin Richard and would return on October 3rd.
As I boarded the plane in Phoenix, I had a fleeting thought about plane crashes, but since I am not overly fond of flying, I just let it go. Both the flight into Dallas and the flight into Shreveport were as best as one could hope for. I had a really wonderful time with my Uncle and Richard. It was what I needed as we laughed at family stories and went through hundred of family photos. We yelled at the TV as we watched the Kavanaugh fiasco. Not once did I think about the two songs and what they might mean. The flight out of Shreveport proved to be interesting as the ramp that attaches to the entrance door of the plane broke so we all had to go down on the tarmac and up the stairs. I was the very first person to board as I was in a wheelchair. Made me feel very special. The rest of the flight and the flight into Phoenix was great.
As I boarded the plane in Phoenix, I had a fleeting thought about plane crashes, but since I am not overly fond of flying, I just let it go. Both the flight into Dallas and the flight into Shreveport were as best as one could hope for. I had a really wonderful time with my Uncle and Richard. It was what I needed as we laughed at family stories and went through hundred of family photos. We yelled at the TV as we watched the Kavanaugh fiasco. Not once did I think about the two songs and what they might mean. The flight out of Shreveport proved to be interesting as the ramp that attaches to the entrance door of the plane broke so we all had to go down on the tarmac and up the stairs. I was the very first person to board as I was in a wheelchair. Made me feel very special. The rest of the flight and the flight into Phoenix was great.
I got home and literally it felt like I hit the road running to get everything in order for surgery. I had to have a preop appt with my Physical Therapist on the 4th, a preop visit to my Primary Care Physician PA, on the 8th so she could clear me for surgery. I got my bloodwork and an ECG done on the 4th so that it could be read before the 8th. I called to speak to Michelle, Dr. Kaper's surgery scheduler and was put on hold. Guess which song was playing? You got it. Evanescence's "Bring Me To Life." Really? Yes.
On October 14th I opened my Angel Book and read the little thought which was: God fully supports the course you are taking with your Divine Life Purpose. Everything that's ahead of you is bathed in God's golden light. What? Golden Light? Did this mean I was going to the Light? Still, there was this bubble of peace around me so nothing that happened caused me to panic or be in a place of fear. I had a hair appointment the next day, on the 15th, as I knew it would be a while for me to be able to go in after the surgery. Heather, my Hair Stylist put some highlights in so once I was in my car I took some selfies. As you can see I am being bathed in the Light. Surgery is 3 days away.....I did not tell anyone about these signs. I had no idea what they all meant.
The night before the surgery I had a talk with my 'self' and my higher self. I said that if it was my time to literally go to the light, I was ready. I felt that I was at a good place, BUT, if I had the choice I would choose life. I said that I didn't think that Marty and I had done all the things we wanted to do. I said that I wanted to stay to see Sarah grow into a mature young woman. I wanted to stay because of my daughter in law Susan and granddaughter Lillian. I wanted to stay because I had just reunited with my birth family, and I had the opportunity to get to know them more and also to feel love from a family who didn't judge me and they didn't have expectations of me. I selfishly wanted to stay to feel their love and to love them right back. I wanted to stay because I didn't think that I had done all I came here to do. I hadn't experienced everything I had chosen to experience in this lifetime. I closed the talk with once again saying that if it was my time, then I would accept it and hope that those closest to me would know how much I loved them.
I then settled down in bed to read a book on my Kindle so as to become sleepy. As I was reading I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a figure standing close to my bedside. As I focused on who it was, I recognized that it was my Dad. I smiled and told him that I was all right and I appreciated him being with me. I saw two other figures, but I never could see them clearly, so I thought that that it was two of my angels who are with me all the time. I thanked them for their being in my life providing protection and security. Soon I was fast asleep.
Thursday, the 18th of October dawned brightly in the early morning hours. Once we were at Prescott Outpatient Surgical Center I was prepped and ready to go into the OR. The anesthesiologist came in to insert a catheter through which she would administer the spinal block. Soon after that I was rolled into the OR, leaving Marty with a kiss as I told him I would see him on the other side. Once in the OR, the anesthesiologist explained again that I would be given a spinal block, the reason why she had put a catheter in my back before I was taken into the OR. I saw everyone in the OR and told them that I was ready!
Part of me wanted to go with them, but the other part wanted to stay here in this lifetime. I cannot explain really what the Light was like. It seemed like a fluid almost, flowing around myself and my parents. There was such a feeling of contentment, peace, joy and love as I've never felt before. Once I had made the resolve to stay here in this life I felt the light slowly flowing away from me as it condensed itself around the door to the OR and my Dad, my Mother and my Mom all disappeared as they walked into that long hallway of light.
I woke up slowly, as one does from surgery, and my first thought was that I had made it through the surgery and I was still here, present in this life. I remember hearing a woman talking to someone and explaining to them that my blood pressure bottomed, down to 60/40. She said that they had given me 4,000 ml of fluid and some Epi. Although it was hard to stay present to hear more of the conversation, I didn't go back to sleep. The nurse came into my little recovery area and explained that she needed to take some more vitals before she brought Marty back. She then told me that while I was in surgery my blood pressure went down to 60 systolic and that I'd been given 4000 ml of fluids and rounds of Epinephrine before I responded and my BP slowly begin to rise. She took another BP and it was 101/65.
Soon Marty and our friend Janet came back to be with me and I told them what had happened with my blood pressure and the fluids I had been given. Marty and I couldn't figure out why they had given me Epi as first line drug for the low blood pressure. That didn't fit with our paramedic way of seeing the situation.
The physical therapist came in and got me up to take a walk. I walked really well, despite feeling a little light headed, but he said I could go home as soon as they were ready to discharge me. Dr. Kaper came in to see how I was doing. He took my phone and put his cell number in and told me that I could call him if there was any questions about the surgery. He said that he wanted to make sure that I was doing good at home. I thought that was way above what a surgeon would do in a normal situation. I appreciated his thoughtfulness and concern. I did ask him about the lower BP and he said that he has seen all kinds or responses that people have to anesthetics in the OR setting and that the outcome was that the surgery on the knee itself went really great.
Once home I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that I had really been able to choose life. I had been surrounded by God's Golden Light, I had seen my parents waiting for me, and yet even they wanted me to stay. And so I did.
I looked up why blood pressure's drop during knee surgery. It was very clear that it was a response to the spinal block I was given. "A fall of blood pressure accompanies each spinal anesthesia. It is the one possible danger associated with this form of anesthesia and may cause death. Its low point is usually ten minutes after the injection, and most fatalities have occurred at that time. After fifteen minutes, one is working away from the danger point, not toward it as in other general anesthetics. Given a reliable method of holding up blood pressure for the first fifteen minutes, and modern spinal anesthesia in trained hands is free of danger. Epinephrine given intravenously is the only reliable drug in desperate cases of blood pressure collapse. Promptly and properly administered, it will hold every case until the body vasomotor tone is naturally restored. But the occasional near fatality which every user of spinal anesthetics has seen has resulted in the clinical trial of many drugs and measures to anticipate this blood pressure drop." (1) There was the answer to why they had given me Epi.
In the days after surgery I continued realizing that I awakened to a new life. I seem to still be in a constant state of flowing and sometimes there was a lightheadedness that I don't recognize as being part of my physical recovery. It comes and goes bringing with it time to reflect on who I am now and the power that lies within me. There is this feeling that my life has changed in ways I don't even know at this point in time. There is an ethereal consciousness all around me. I flow in and out of this consciousness, still being drawn into a place where I can feel that warm golden light. Physically I cannot seem to get warm, and have been sleeping with an electrical blanket to try to get to the deep cold I feel.
I have a new knee, one that will give me really, a newness of life where I can do things that I could not do before the surgery. After the other knee is replaced, I really will be walking in a new path, a new life. One where Marty and I can take walks again, hikes again someday. I feel blessed to have been given this new lease on life. I hope to use the time wisely and make decisions based on my realization that life is the greatest gift we have. Life is short, no matter how long it actually is, and it becomes more precious each day and I do not want to spend anymore time on trying to make things right in my life that I know cannot be fixed. I won't waste this new life on 'playing nice.' I am accepting that things play out as they are meant to be played out. Letting go of even more baggage happened during the surgery. I feel free, there is nothing that weighing me down.
I want to live my days out fiercely loving each moment no matter what it brings me. I will be true to myself. I will recognize the movement of Spirit in my life, and I will follow my own instincts, my own inner wisdom. I will give honor to my inner self, as she is wise beyond her years. I won't question when synchronicities or God Moments as I call them, lead me in a path I am unfamiliar with. I will walk with Wisdom, Courage, Peace and Love. I am going to be ME. The Me that I came here to be. I will not waste these days. months, years that are before me. I will do what makes my heart happy and content.
My life mission remains the same now as it was the moment I was anointed and ordained back in 2005. I am a Spiritual Peacemaker. My divine purpose is to be whatever and whoever I need to be at any given moment in time so that I may gift others with what they need in that moment. If I need to be love, then I will love. If I need to be compassion, then I will be compassion. If I need to physically help someone, then I will do what I can do to help them. If I need to stand up to those who oppress others, then I will stand without fear. May my hands be divine hands and my heart be a divine heart. May my arms be reassuring to those hurting and may I impart to them healing and peace. May I, by the gentle laying on of hands, bring healing to a person's body, soul and spirit. I will remain surrendered with my heart full of gratitude for everything that has presented itself to me, for it is those moments which have shaped me into the woman I am today. I ask that I continually be given the words to say to others who are needing a little extra help with their own lives. May I walk with "good heart' until it is my time to leave this life.
(1) https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/233591
The physical therapist came in and got me up to take a walk. I walked really well, despite feeling a little light headed, but he said I could go home as soon as they were ready to discharge me. Dr. Kaper came in to see how I was doing. He took my phone and put his cell number in and told me that I could call him if there was any questions about the surgery. He said that he wanted to make sure that I was doing good at home. I thought that was way above what a surgeon would do in a normal situation. I appreciated his thoughtfulness and concern. I did ask him about the lower BP and he said that he has seen all kinds or responses that people have to anesthetics in the OR setting and that the outcome was that the surgery on the knee itself went really great.
I looked up why blood pressure's drop during knee surgery. It was very clear that it was a response to the spinal block I was given. "A fall of blood pressure accompanies each spinal anesthesia. It is the one possible danger associated with this form of anesthesia and may cause death. Its low point is usually ten minutes after the injection, and most fatalities have occurred at that time. After fifteen minutes, one is working away from the danger point, not toward it as in other general anesthetics. Given a reliable method of holding up blood pressure for the first fifteen minutes, and modern spinal anesthesia in trained hands is free of danger. Epinephrine given intravenously is the only reliable drug in desperate cases of blood pressure collapse. Promptly and properly administered, it will hold every case until the body vasomotor tone is naturally restored. But the occasional near fatality which every user of spinal anesthetics has seen has resulted in the clinical trial of many drugs and measures to anticipate this blood pressure drop." (1) There was the answer to why they had given me Epi.
In the days after surgery I continued realizing that I awakened to a new life. I seem to still be in a constant state of flowing and sometimes there was a lightheadedness that I don't recognize as being part of my physical recovery. It comes and goes bringing with it time to reflect on who I am now and the power that lies within me. There is this feeling that my life has changed in ways I don't even know at this point in time. There is an ethereal consciousness all around me. I flow in and out of this consciousness, still being drawn into a place where I can feel that warm golden light. Physically I cannot seem to get warm, and have been sleeping with an electrical blanket to try to get to the deep cold I feel.
I have a new knee, one that will give me really, a newness of life where I can do things that I could not do before the surgery. After the other knee is replaced, I really will be walking in a new path, a new life. One where Marty and I can take walks again, hikes again someday. I feel blessed to have been given this new lease on life. I hope to use the time wisely and make decisions based on my realization that life is the greatest gift we have. Life is short, no matter how long it actually is, and it becomes more precious each day and I do not want to spend anymore time on trying to make things right in my life that I know cannot be fixed. I won't waste this new life on 'playing nice.' I am accepting that things play out as they are meant to be played out. Letting go of even more baggage happened during the surgery. I feel free, there is nothing that weighing me down.
I want to live my days out fiercely loving each moment no matter what it brings me. I will be true to myself. I will recognize the movement of Spirit in my life, and I will follow my own instincts, my own inner wisdom. I will give honor to my inner self, as she is wise beyond her years. I won't question when synchronicities or God Moments as I call them, lead me in a path I am unfamiliar with. I will walk with Wisdom, Courage, Peace and Love. I am going to be ME. The Me that I came here to be. I will not waste these days. months, years that are before me. I will do what makes my heart happy and content.
My life mission remains the same now as it was the moment I was anointed and ordained back in 2005. I am a Spiritual Peacemaker. My divine purpose is to be whatever and whoever I need to be at any given moment in time so that I may gift others with what they need in that moment. If I need to be love, then I will love. If I need to be compassion, then I will be compassion. If I need to physically help someone, then I will do what I can do to help them. If I need to stand up to those who oppress others, then I will stand without fear. May my hands be divine hands and my heart be a divine heart. May my arms be reassuring to those hurting and may I impart to them healing and peace. May I, by the gentle laying on of hands, bring healing to a person's body, soul and spirit. I will remain surrendered with my heart full of gratitude for everything that has presented itself to me, for it is those moments which have shaped me into the woman I am today. I ask that I continually be given the words to say to others who are needing a little extra help with their own lives. May I walk with "good heart' until it is my time to leave this life.
