Welcoming in 2011

As the last days of 2010 trickled by I experienced intense grief over so many losses this year. It was an interesting feeling, to allow myself to be enveloped in sadness and to be comfortable with wearing this garment of grief.

I found it interesting that as I prepare to lead the new grief group forming at church, that I would be entering this sacred ground to look at all the loss in my own life. It wasn't pretty. I cried. I held a few sorrow events in my honor. Mostly I just allowed the grief process to take it's own course, and I followed.

It seemed everywhere I turned, grief was there. I heard the song 'I Grieve' on the TV one night, and found it on You Tube afterwards and with soul wrenching cries, I let a lot of the held in emotions to breakthrough to the Light. It was there, as the light shone on these painful memories, lost relationships, loss of mind function, loss of job, loss of health, loss of the only person in Marty's family who loved me unconditionally from the first time I let her, and loss of Marty's Gram, who came to love the hugs I gave her when we would go visit. There was just so much loss, so many tears, so much pain held deep within my soul.

I also noticed that those with whom I shared this intense grief with were not very comfortable at all. They were used to seeing me smiling, happy, full of Light and Peace and Encouraging words for everyone. They did everything they could to cheer me up, to lighten the load, to make sure I had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I did finally pretend, for their sake, that I was just fine (and I was, even in the depths of grief), and Christmas was wonderful and we were anticipating having a Happy New Year.

Yet, underneath it all. I grieve. And all is well with my soul...just as it is.