Who is this Woman in the Mirror

From my earliest memories of what a female's body should look like, I have never measured up. When I was young my mother told me quite often that as a young woman her brothers could put their hands around her waist, middle fingers touching, and that was how tiny her waist was. This mortified me, because I could NEVER put my hands around my waist and have them touch each other, no matter how hard I tried. I was never thin enough for Mom. She loved Twiggy when she was in the limelight, and made lots of references to me that I should try to look like her. Well, Mom, here I am 50 years later, and it just is not in my DNA to be a skinny girl. Never has been, never will be. Yet, here I am 50 years later with all those words playing like a stuck recording in my brain.

From 3rd grade on I was looked upon by my schoolmates and called these names: fatty Cathy (Chatty Cathy was a popular doll from those days); pudgy, pleasantly plump and a myriad of other hurtful names.

I can remember that I was always the last person to be chosen for team sports...which meant that the team I played on just got stuck with me. I hated sports.

In Junior High my mom sent me to Wendy Ward Charm School, where my best friend Vicky and I had so too much fun. I had by now grown taller and shapelier, like many adolescent girls, once the hormones kicked in, but I was still not thin by any means. Charm school was awesome. We learned how to walk with books on our heads, with one foot placed directly in front of the other, so that we glided across the floor. We learned how to take 'tea'...with one's pinkie finger up. We learned how to cross our legs the lady like way, how to sit down and stand with elegance. Oh my goodness...what a long way we as a society have come in the last 38 years.

I was feeling pretty good about myself until...until the day in gym class that we had to do pull ups. For the life of me I could not pull myself up to even do one. I was so embarrassed, and yet the gym teacher (who I will not name here) singled me out and made all the other girls come watch me, in her words, to cheer me on. Now you know how much junior high girls really want to cheer someone on when she is not part of the 'in crowd'. They ended up making more fun of me, and I ended up running into the locker room in tears.

There was not one time from then on that I ever could do a chin up, or pull up, or whatever the things are called. I just ended up getting a big X put on the spot for those. BUT, I did determine that I would find one thing that I could do better than the skinny, popular girls. I could do sit ups. I beat the record for sit ups in our girls gym class. For both years in junior high I rocked at those sit ups (you would have thought I would have lost more weight, but NO, I stayed the same.) It is just my DNA.

So, High school came, and now being thin is really in...You had to be thin, have long straight hair, and be able to wear hip huggers to be 'hip'. It wasn't like it is today, when females can wear the low rise jeans and have their bellies no matter the size, show for all the world to see. Nope, back in the 60's and 70's our abdomens were expected to be flat, and that was that. No wonder so many of us grew up to be anorexic/bulimic. Not me, the thought of throwing up food just to loose weight always seemed ridiculous to me.

Anyway, high school was pretty much OK. I didn't really worry about my weight so much, I had plenty of boyfriends, and everything was fine, until I got pregnant with my oldest son and gained lots and lots of weight. Weight that didn't go away immediately...although I look at photos of myself back then and think, who in the world in their right mind would have called you fat? My first husband did, and continued to tell me that the whole 8 years we were together. Even when I only gained 5 pounds when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. Needless to say, living with those negative words and emotions took a toll, because now I had my mother and my husband telling me I was overweight and not attractive. Great combo.

The years went by and we divorced...yet the damage to my self esteem was well done. All I saw when I looked in the mirror was an overweight, scarred woman (I had my gall bladder out when I was 19, was in a car wreck when I was 19...all which left me with scars which were considered ugly and unattractive).  I was 25 and weighed 135. NOW, I shake my head in amazement how I could have let what others think about me have such a drastic effect on my psyche. But I was young, and foolish.



I married again and my weight flluctuated for the next 16 years of marraige, when the divorce came I was up to 165 wearing a size 14. That was 10 pounds more that I weighted when I gave birth to my oldest son. As women so often do with divorces, I lost a lot of weight. I don't know how it came off, it just did. I was 42, pre menopausal, and it was easy to loose weight back then. When Marty and I married in 1999, I was in a size 10 and loving life.



Marty and I April 1, 1999



I stayed that size until 2002 when I had my shoulder surgery and couldn't be actively involved in any household remodeling, planting my garden, etc. I could not work either, since the injury was a work comp injury, and I had to go to court to even get the surgery to begin with. The case didn't settle until summer of 2003, and my lawyer was very clear on the fact that I could not do any thing to jeopardize the case. So, I spent that year scanning all our photos onto CD's, and began to gain weight.



We have now been here in Arizona for 10 years. The year we moved here...2003 was the year I started menopause. I used to write funny stories about the mood swings, weight gain, etc., that we women endure during those years. And back then it was funny. I still had lots of energy, and we were hiking the trails, remodeling our home and back yard.  I was still in a 10/12 size and everything was ok. I felt good about myself.

Then the stroke happened in my brain, and I spent literally a year on the couch. I had no energy. I was exhausted all the time. Even watering my beautiful back yard was overwhelming. I gained weight of course. I was put on medications to help with the migraines that caused the stroke. Those meds put more weight on me. Before I knew it I was up to 175, 185, 190. And the drugs caused me to have a fatty liver on tope of everything else. My body doesn't even look like my body anymore. I do not recognize the woman in the mirror.

A little Irony here: the last 10 years of my Mom's life she spent battling weight. She got up to 189 and tried everything to loose it. We would talk and she would tell me that she didn't recognize the woman in the mirror staring back at her. She didn't recognize her pouchy belly and flabby arms. My Mom was 5 foot 10 inches, so the weight didn't look that bad on her. Anyway, it is just funny to me how my 'skinny' Mom came to the place I am at now. She who was thin all her life, me who battled weight all my life...both ended up with bodies we didn't want.

My doctor says: exercize, walk 30 minutes a day. Just thinking about that makes me overwhelmed.

I eat healthy, and very small portions, so it has nothing to do with my eating habits, I am not really hungry that much anymore. I listen to my body and eat what it wants, when it wants it. I know I need physical activity but I HATE EXERCIZE. Did you get that? I HATE EXERCIZE.

Three weeks ago I found a Pilates DVD that had never been opened at a thrift store for 99 cents. I bought it and have been doing the exercizes from 3 to 4 times a week. No weight lost.  GRRRRRRR

Who is this woman I see in the mirror, every day, staring back at me? It's Me, still inside here, the same Me...I just don't recognise the body.

 

                                                                    55th birthday 2010