Fear

I began 2011 with the intent of being able to write the chapters of my life, here in the safety of my blog. Yet, when I began to write the stories of my childhood, that dreadful shadow creature of Fear loomed over my desk and I found myself paralyzed. I could not write any more.

As the year progressed I recognized that I was afraid of how my children would react (not respond, but react) to the events which shaped me into who I am today. And yet, in order to really BE who I am, I continue to be drawn to this keyboard, stories flood my mind, and I am convinced that even if my story helps one woman know she is not alone, then it is worth any condemnation I might face from anyone. Actually they have already sat in their own judges chair, put me on trial and judged me already....so really there is nothing else to fear.

I spent the majority of my life truly living in fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of the dark. Fear of being a bastard. Fear of being overweight. Fear of what people thought of me. Fear, fear, fear. I wore that blanket of fear every minute of every day. All of it really can be summed up in this: Fear of not being good enough.

I cannot sit here and say that I have overcome every fearful moment I experience. What I can say is that I can sleep at night in peace. I honestly do not spend time worrying about what people think of me. Through a lot of therapy, a lot of trial and error, a lot of prayer, and a whole lot of love and support from my wonderful husband and youngest daughter, I have been able to lay down the fear blanket and am rising into a beauty filled place of joy, love and contentment.

So, once again I am going to attempt to share more stories from my journey. A journey from fear to power.

Being empowered, I stand tall and face the past as one faces a beautiful sunset. The dust of the journey is what makes the colors of the sunset so vibrant and breathtaking. And so, I see myself as not just being good enough, I see a beautiful strong woman who has emerged like the phoenix rising from the ashes...to fly, to soar, to live, to dream, to BE ME.