I wrote a year ago about having patience with myself, with my brain, and I find that I am in the same space now. Most days I do just fine. I have my routine and stick to that. I get very used to the ordinary flow of my life. Yet I have noticed that ever since I had 8 migraines in a row and Foxy's death, something seems to have changed once again.
I get overwhelmed easily. It really is not like an anxiety attack or panic attack. It is an overall feeling of 'this is all too much for me to do'. The world seems to be spinning in all directions at once, I am ungrounded, feet off the ground, swirling around being blown every which way buy loose. And then, for no apparent reason, everything slows down again, I am grounded, I am thinking clearly and all is well. It is very strange to live in this 'way' for me. So, I wondered if other stroke survivors experienced the same feelings. Before I had even typed the question in to Bing search, I heard a resounding "YES" being sung by Steven Tyler, and I just shook my head.
Pages and Pages and Pages filled the screen from people all over the world who have had strokes and who experience anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, and pretty much living their lives in same way as I am. This could be really depressing if I thought about it a lot. Yet, with my belief in Divine order, I totally accept this event in my life, knowing that it is what it is and that everything is OK. I just feel like a toddler trying to find my way in this new way of being, trying to figure the world out.
There lies one of the problems....I will never figure it out. I have migraines from being put on the estrogen patch when I was in my early 40's. I am allergic to estrogen. That is hilarious! Anyway, the migraines are bad enough to have brought on the stroke that left one little tiny 1 mm area of my brain without oxygen. And this life I live now is the result.
People are continually telling me that it will get better. But I don't want to live my life waiting for the future. I want to live my life just as it is. And in doing so, I want to allow 'My Stroke of Insight' (book by Jill Bolte Taylor) to be truly that....a Stroke of Insight, like a beautiful paintbrush stroke of insight for me to learn and grow from.
Yesterday Marty had a patient who had experienced a stroke and a couple of TIA's (mini-strokes for a quick description). She was experiencing a lot of anxiety. From his living with me, and going through this anxiety/overload stuff with me, he knew that what she was experiencing was normal. He was able to share my story with her, and it gave her and her daughter some insight into her own post stroke world, plus it gave Marty and I personal confirmation that this post stroke world is a little more complicated than we thought it would be, and I am 'normal'. That is another laugh!
So, a couple of things I have learned through My own stroke of insight:
- Say "no" to things people want me to do that I know will bring on anxiety.
- When I get in a place where I am confused, before I become overwhelmed, I stop what I am doing and leave it go for another time.
- Ask Marty for help in making decisions when my brain is scrambled.
- Forgive people who are trying to help, when they say that my memory lapses, or other brain impairment are just from age (although I just wanna yell at them "Shut UP' this is NOT normal getting older brain stuff)
- Don't take on more than I already have on my plate.
- Stay home and relax when I need some down time.
- Accept myself for who I am NOW and don't worry about what others think.
So, here I am once more trying to feel comfortable in this body, and accepting with grace and peace the direction this journey has taken me.Namaste!
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