The Proposal's

I am going to skip ahead a bit here and talk about how many times Marty proposed to me. Once was when we were out with friends, at some nightclub in Rochester. His friends from college were there, plus some of our friends from a band we knew. He proposed in front of all of them, and I said "Yes."

When we got home, he said, "You know I am not ready. "I said, "I know."

Months later, toward the end of our paramedic class, we were all out after class, and everyone kept asking him to propose. So he did, in front of them all.

When we got home, he said, "You know I am not ready. "I said, "I know."

Now here, most women would have just said #$@%@% you, and be done, but I just knew that Marty loved me, and I was not ever gonna push him,. IF things worked out fine, if they didn't fine.


In 1999 we had moved back to Owatonna, after a disastrous move to Ottuma, Iowa. And after Joe and Sarah had come to live with us full time, one evening we were getting ready to go out on a date night. I was putting on my makeup in the bathroom, and he came in to see how much longer I Was gonna be. Then he touched my shoulder, as I turned around, Marty was on his knees...with a ring in hand, he asked me to marry him. And once again I said "yes". This time was THE time. He was ready, although he didn't know all he was getting into....baggage galore! A ready made teenage/adolescent family.

When we got home he said, "I am ready." I said, "I know."

You look Delicious (Story of Marty and I part 2)

I remember it vividly, as if it were just yesterday. Our paramedic class had stopped for break time. Kelly Goodnature and I were sitting in the second row towards the left of the classroom. We were talking about something that Laurie (our instructor) had just said, and then she went out to smoke.

That's when I heard "Charlotte?" I turned around, and Marty was sitting in behind me.
"Yes?" I answered, thinking that he just wanted to know something about the lecture.
"You look delicious."
"What?" I remember looking puzzled.
"You changed the color of your hair, and you look delicious."

Then he got up and walked out.
Leaving me there, speechless.

What the heck was happening? I had put my hair color back to as close to my original dark auburn as I could get (or the beautician had anyway), but not even my husband noticed.

And yet, here was this young man out of all the people in the world, who noticed.

And he said..."You look delicious."

That's why even to this day I call Marty my STD (Silver Tounged Devil)

He has always had a way with me!

Still Getting Used to Living in This Skin

Anyone who stays around me long enough will hear me say...We are Spiritual Beings on a Human Journey. I believe that with my whole heart. Yet this human journey through the stroke, and living in this body, seeing the world through my brain has really been a challenge to this spiritual being!

I wrote a year ago about having patience with myself, with my brain, and I find that I am in the same space now. Most days I do just fine. I have my routine and stick to that. I get very used to the ordinary flow of my life. Yet I have noticed that ever since I had 8 migraines in a row and Foxy's death, something seems to have changed once again.

I get overwhelmed easily. It really is not like an anxiety attack or panic attack. It is an overall feeling of 'this is all too much for me to do'. The world seems to be spinning in all directions at once, I am ungrounded, feet off the ground, swirling around being blown every which way buy loose. And then, for no apparent reason, everything slows down again, I am grounded, I am thinking clearly and all is well. It is very strange to live in this 'way' for me. So, I wondered if other stroke survivors experienced the same feelings. Before I had even typed the question in to Bing search, I heard a resounding "YES" being sung by Steven Tyler, and I just shook my head.

Pages and Pages and Pages filled the screen from people all over the world who have had strokes and who experience anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, and pretty much living their lives in same way as I am. This could be really depressing if I thought about it a lot. Yet, with my belief in Divine order, I totally accept this event in my life, knowing that it is what it is and that everything is OK. I just feel like a toddler trying to find my way in this new way of being, trying to figure the world out.

There lies one of the problems....I will never figure it out. I have migraines from being put on the estrogen patch when I was in my early 40's. I am allergic to estrogen. That is hilarious! Anyway, the migraines are bad enough to have brought on the stroke that left one little tiny 1 mm area of my brain without oxygen. And this life I live now is the result.

People are continually telling me that it will get better. But I don't want to live my life waiting for the future. I want to live my life just as it is. And in doing so, I want to allow 'My Stroke of Insight' (book by Jill Bolte Taylor) to be truly that....a Stroke of Insight, like a beautiful paintbrush stroke of insight for me to learn and grow from.

Yesterday Marty had a patient who had experienced a stroke and a couple of TIA's (mini-strokes for a quick description). She was experiencing a lot of anxiety. From his living with me, and going through this anxiety/overload stuff with me, he knew that what she was experiencing was normal. He was able to share my story with her, and it gave her and her daughter some insight into her own post stroke world, plus it gave Marty and I personal confirmation that this post stroke world is a little more complicated than we thought it would be, and I am 'normal'. That is another laugh!

So, a couple of things I have learned through My own stroke of insight:

• Say "no" to things people want me to do that I know will bring on anxiety.
• When I get in a place where I am confused, before I become overwhelmed, I stop what I am doing and leave it go for another time.
• Ask Marty for help in making decisions when my brain is scrambled.
• Forgive people who are trying to help, when they say that my memory lapses, or other brain impairment are just from age (although I just wanna yell at them "Shut UP' this is NOT normal getting older brain stuff)
• Don't take on more than I already have on my plate.
• Stay home and relax when I need some down time.
• Accept myself for who I am NOW and don't worry about what others think.

So, here I am once more trying to feel comfortable in this body, and accepting with grace and peace the direction this journey has taken me.

Namaste!